When I announced I was on a diet or rather a lifestyle change, aka - my weightloss journey a little while ago, I honestly thought by going public with it, and by talking about it openly on my blog - that it would make me more determined than ever to make it work this time around. How wrong could I have been!? I've self sabotaged way too many times to count, and as for eating healthy, well, urgh - that's completely gone out the window too!
The diet is well and truly over, am I happy about it!? NO! Am I disgusted with myself!? ABSOLUTELY! Am I going to do something about it!? YES! However, I honestly do believe a 'diet' or rather a whole new lifestyle change needs to be planned.
So whilst I sit here and write this post, on Thursday the 1st of October, you may be thinking why am I not starting today? Well for starters, I went food shopping yesterday and guess who picked up a packet of two Cadbury's chocolate muffins, and if that wasn't bad enough, a packet of Milkyway crispy rolls too - urgh. Why do I do it!? I know eating a sweet treat is fine in moderation, and whilst I've not had a muffin yet, I have had, not one but two crispy rolls!
Did anything physically stop me not having fruit for pudding, instead of those crispy rolls? NO! It's just me and my self, with my zero willpower. Yet I'm seriously so unhappy about myself and the way I look.
Last week, Gareth kindly paid for me to get my hair done and I have been trying to get a 'good' enough picture of my hair ever since. My hair is beautiful - it always is, I am very lucky to have an amazing hairdresser, but something in every single photo put me off sharing a single photo, even to my closest family and friends. It was/is my face - my overly FAT face. Mate it isn't even fat, it's obese, my face is obese! Morbidly obese!
Taking photo's can be soooo deceiving! I mean, I'd fit in well with that catfishing program alright, I'd certainly say I'm a catfish when it comes to pictures v reality! I always throw a filter on my photos, or use Snapchat's already built-in filters and away I go. Well that was the case for years, but now I can't even find a filter I like - and I've realised it's not because of the filter, it's because of how huge my face is.
I still somehow and very surprisingly have dimples, how they've not been eaten by my huge cheeks I'll never know as I've gained at least one other chin. Though not obvious all the time, I have noticed whilst I stare in the mirror talking to myself about how much I've changed, that certain words bring out that 2nd chin, and if I let myself get any bigger, they'll be no hiding that chin, and they'll be no dimples to show.
I know how to lose weight, I know what I need to do, and how to do it, but I just need to be more organised. I have a large fridge freezer, with a good size freezing compartment, as well as a chest freezer, so I can batch cook and freeze - only both my freezers are full to the brim. I had to throw a pot of ice cream away only yesterday (it had been opened) as I couldn't fit in two frozen products I purchased, yet instead of trying to clear my freezer - I fill it up even more.
I just feel like I'm an unorganised mess at the moment, not that I've ever been organised greatly at all, but since the current situation we all find ourselves in has began, I've just seemingly got worse. Whilst other's have made the most out of this horrible situation - I have made things worse! I had all that time to get my shit in order, yet what have I actually done!? Lost a good bit of weight as a starting point, and I bet I've put it all back on plus some!
I've not weighed myself in fear of the scales breaking - no, let me be serious. I've not weighed myself because I know I am not going to be happy with the results, yet I'm the only one who can change that!?
Will writing about it help? I'm gonna say no, just because I tried this not so long ago. I thought going public and opening up on my blog would make me more determined than ever. It didn't, and I didn't stop because I went public of course! It's just life stresses got in the way - and I'm the biggest comfort eater you'll know! Stressed - eat some cheese, anxious - eat some cheese, having a bad period - eat some chocolate!
Talking about periods - I had some blood test done on Monday 21st of Septemeber, testing Iron and a few other things as I believe I may have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). I have a telephone appointment booked in with the doctor tomorrow (Friday 2nd of October) to discuss my results, out of 20 different results, two have came back abnormal, and after a little bit of research I believe the two abnormal results are high markers for PCOS. My doctor did say depending on the results I may have to have a scan, so I'lll see what tomorrow brings - and I'm sure I'll blog about it at some point!
I really need to crack on with other things now, but I thought I would update you all on how the diet is NOT going! I don't plan to be this way forever, I don't plan to be this way for much longer. I am seriously obese and although I am all over love yourself and be whoever you want to be, I personally can't stand being this seriously overweight unhealthy mess!
Until next time,
Jada x
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