Loosing yourself in a vicious online crowd.

Sometimes we see ourself departing away from the real person we really are, it's easy to happen and it can happen to anyone, any of us, me and you included.

I've always said I believe in my own thoughts and if you're a friend of mine on Facebook you'll know I'm not afraid to speak my mind and put my opinion across. I don't dress the same as the latest fashion, I watch The Only Way Is Essex and that is as far as it gets with celebrities, I don't purchase nor read online magazines filled with the latest celebrity news, I don't need to have the in crowd as my friends and the latest technology baffles me, not amazes.

A few months ago, I noticed with a few comments from others, I wasn't my usual self. I got in with the wrong crowd virtually online and I saw myself interacting in online secret verbal insults, although I never started such conversations, I realised I was soon laughing out loud to others insults of innocent people who didn't know what was being said about them.

If I can't personally talk to someone about a problem I may have with them, I don't interact with them, I block them from my online life as much as I possibly can, I don't have no need to visit their blogs and so, I don't need or want to know about these people. However, it's easy to listen to others and soon draw up your own image of these people without even talking to them and getting to know them myself, not fair is it?

Although I didn't call anyone out from our online blogging world, I did sit and listen to someone else insulting people, I regularly used the shortened lol phrase, short for laugh out loud and I did say things I shouldn't of, things I am not proud of. I wasn't trying to impress no one as these conversations were between two people, and no offence but having these people in my life didn't make me happier, it withdrew me even more and cause personal relationships in my real life away from the internet.

I always wondered what had been causing my chronic psoriasis to get so bad, my parents would say to me something must be stressing me out, although I have issues with my housing and confidence, I always dismissed me being stressed, until I had a near enough break down, full on Britney Spears style ready to cut myself away from anyone and everyone, the blog included.

My psoriasis is the worse it's ever been, it keeps me awake, it stops me from attending events and social functions, I have to wear gloves to prepare my own food along with my sons, it drives me up the wall - literally! I stand against the brick wall outside my home and scrape my skin against it for some relief, relief from the constant and irritating itching. My body is sore and weak, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'm tired of trying to remain myself from scratching away at my already sore and damaged skin, I bleed, it stings, I scratch, I scar.

I had been diagnosed with chronic psoriasis at the beginning of this year, it had considerably got a lot worse during the previous year or so. I sat down with doctors amazed at how bad my skin was, although not the worse they'd seen, it was the worse they'd seen for someone of my age. Treatments of all sorts was failing to work, tropical treatments, steroids and tablets failed to make a major difference with moisturising creams just giving a tiny little impact away. I sat down with specialist who tried to work out what was happening, what was going on to cause such a severe and bad outbreak, the answer was stress.

I told them I blogged, and I wrote, I told them about my Facebook rants and told them I had felt a lot more angry with people in general, did I blame my psoriasis for this they asked? No was my reply, then I realised it was because of these people that my psoriasis was so bad.

I knew things about strangers, I knew about their relationships, the emails they received, the conversations they had, the type of homes they had and I had no or little contact with these people. I listened and read insult after insult, backstabbing and hurtful to the victim who knew nothing about the conversations, I would read links to blogs I had been sent, and started noticing things I would never usually notice, dirt on the cooker, the state of the walls, the clothes the children was wearing. I laughed out loud at people's blog post, and their blogs, their tweets, their homes, them. I had no right to, I never will, I'm not a bully and before this "friendship" I was never like that.

Close friends and family members noticed a new me, I didn't. I would be out, anywhere, a park or a supermarket, in town or on the bus, and I would stare at people, looking for imperfections because this was the life I had started to lead. I made my decision long before Britmums, but I waited until after to have my clear out, knowing things we're going to be awkward as it was, I wanted Britmums to be as smooth as possible. Looking back, things wouldn't of made a difference no matter the time I made the change, the change back to the old me.

I stared at these people who are the same as me, all living a different life from different backgrounds and homes, who write as a passion and/or living, some I had never spoken to but I knew a lot about them. Some thing's we're told to others in confidence, but I knew, along with others these peoples secrets. I never felt so alone, I've never had a panic attack, and I don't know what one feels like, but something happened that weekend of Britmums, I realised more then ever what a total monster I had let myself become due to others influences.

I bumped into the lovely Laura and told her how I was feeling, I had never felt so alone and it was all my fault. I got caught up in a nasty and vicious circle, I however couldn't be two faced like these others in mention, I couldn't laugh at people's homes and lives and talk so friendly to them to their faces, so I didn't make no contact at all, just a few weeks before Britmums, I was sent a link to their blogs and I laughed at something I had no right to, how could I go and smooch with these people after knowing what I had done? This isn't me, and if I didn't make contact, it isn't necessarily because of this reason, as there seemed to be a select group of people who was the victim of the nasty group.

I was messaged just a few days before Britmums and was warned of what I was telling a certain person because she was running all my business, people, strangers, people I had never heard of, knew about my personal life, the problems I had, the items I spent my last bit of money on, they knew everything. I should of known though shouldn't I? After all I knew a lot about others, who were deemed close friends of the accused, I still know it all now, I've kept all the conversations but I've not done nothing with them. I'm not a little school girl and I'm not going to run and tell people to befriend people because of my turnaround.

I would however tell everyone to be careful what you say to people, your business and personal life stories are not safe, I know about arguments, financial decisions and I knew the news before it broke on your blogs. There's one thing I wish I knew sooner, if I was getting told personal information about said close friends and I was an apparent said close friend, it should of been easy to guess that if their business was being blurted out, then mine was most probably being blurted out too!

I believed some of the loveliest people you could meet were bullies, I believed they was horrible nasty people, just because I let someone else voice opinions for me. I did stick up for a few people, the most recent one before my clear out was one of my closest blogging friends Hayley, I've gone on to tell Hayley what had happened because I want to fix them mistakes I made. I really want to tell another lovely about the things that was discussed about her, but it's so awkward and hard, some things that was said are really nasty, and I know it would really upset her.

Although I didn't throw these insults I did reply with OMG, wow and lol, I didn't stop the secret bullying, I didn't stand up for people who had no chance to stand up for themselves. This person is a fellow young mother like me, who does excellently well, I am so proud of her and I'm sorry for not standing up for her, I'm sorry for writing lol so many times instead of saying that's not very nice.

Last week I started my treatment, I've only managed a whopping 18 seconds in that mean machine at the hospital so far, and I've only had three sessions (one at 13 seconds and two at 18 seconds), so progress is going to be small. However by cutting these vile bullies out of my life, I'm a much happier person, I'm myself again, I'm the Jada I was before I got involved with these people, and my psoriasis is gradually getting better.

I'm scarred for life because of the vicious circle I participated in. I made my skin worse because of the stress it was causing me, and this went on for a little over 12 months. I wish I got out of it sooner, I wish I had not been so stupid and stuck to the way I was brought up.

My parents aren't rich, they don't own their own houses, but they done the best they possibly could. My parents would never sit there and slag people off infront of me, or on the phone to me, or insult other people's blogs. My parents have not raised me to be that person because they are not them people themselves. My parents brought me up with values, morals, manors, dignity and respect.

I'm ashamed of the person I become, I'm ashamed to of let my beliefs leave me, all for the sake of a few very stupid and immature laughs. Now I feel like I can't interact with these people because it's eating away at me inside for laughing at them in someway or another. I think I've paid my price and I'm glad with help I realised the faults before it was too late.

I've lost friendships, but honestly, I've gained - not lost! I've gained more wisdom and knowledge, I've learned another life lesson, I've taught myself why I am the way I am. I was brought up by loving and respectful parents who didn't raise me to become that person I did for them 16-18 months.

I had my clear out in June and since then I have been more content and happy with myself. I think and dwell on things too much, and even though these innocent people have no idea of what was spoken about behind their backs, the guilt eats away at me inside.

I hope one day, I can say sorry to these people in some-way or another. I should of walked away the minute that rubbish started, I'm sorry.

I know this is going to cause anger and upset, please do comment with your thoughts, I want to address this issue in the way I know best, the way I was brought up to address problems and that's by speaking, to people personally, not behind their backs.

Jada x