My Team - Me and Spud + Spud and Me - My Team

After finding out some devastating news in the extended family pipeline a few weeks ago, I've got myself in a right little pickle and have been questioning myself lots. The devastating news was my siblings aunt (they have a different mother to me) has terminal cancer meaning she is leaving her one and only child a orphan as her daughter's father died three years ago.

Talking to my wonderful, open and honest best friend Annessa about the situation, discussing how sad and cruel life can be, Annessa went on to say this is why I have three children (well actually it's two with one on the way!), if anything should happen to me or their dad, they have each other to love and support etc.

For a split second, that went on for about an hour, I questioned whether I should have another child, so Spud isn't alone and lonely if anything ever happened to me. Then I thought about my six siblings and my nephews and how big our family is, I don't think you need a sibling to get you through hard times, but any family and friends who are trustworthy!

I made the decision quite early on after having Spud that he would be my only child, having being born at 33 weeks - seven weeks premature, weighing a tiny 4lb, my brave boy has been through so much. Approaching operation number five next month, together as a family, me and Spud have been through so much.

It's no secret that I believe in the attachment parenting way of parenting, I have such an amazing strong bond with Spud, I don't think I could ever love another child as much as I love him, he's my baby boy, my baby, my boy, he's my everything, I could never imagine sharing the love, attention and affection with a second child.

My family and few close friends know about my fear of not loving a second child, which makes me feel horrible and nasty! My mum tells me all the time that I am just being silly, and if the situation ever should happen, I'd love my second child the minute I met him/her! However, I think I've drummed it into my head so much, I don't think I would!

It was then that I come across Rachel Hirst's post - A second baby, can you love them the same? I read that post three times in astonishment, amazed at not only the fact Rachel could love her second baby, but more amazed at the fact some one else felt the same way! I then Googled the subject and found tons of results with people thinking and feeling the same, turns out I am not alone with my weird thoughts after all!

Reading Rachel's post, just a few days after speaking to my best friend made me over analyse and led me to thinking that this was another sign that I should have another child. I quickly found excuse after excuse of why I should stick with one though, well Spud could think of a lot more, like having a baby brother or sister mess up your room, dribble on your toys and snap your PlayStation disc!

Being the mother of a prem baby has brought me and Spud so close together, that little bit of extra care he need's hasn't made a difference, because of course I would care for him the best even if he was okay. Watching your 4lb baby boy, prove the medics wrong in everything he done was amazing, they told me he would be a slow walker, a slow talker, behind, slow, they told me he'd be small forever, they'd told me he would need speech therapy and the alike, how wrong was they.

They forgot to tell me about all the operations and hospital appointments though, they didn't tell me Spud would have an emergency operation at three weeks old, they also never told me about the ones that followed too. Having to prep your child for theatre just once is bad enough, let alone four soon to be five times. The risk fill my mind for days, the night before I can't sleep, I don't want to even attempt to eat.

Worry consumes me, but I have to be strong for my big brave boy who's going through all of this. The one who gets put to sleep, and who wishes it doesn't have to happen. I do too, I wish it was me attending all the hospital appointments, I wish it was me going through it, I wish it was me on that operating theatre!

I just don't think I could be strong enough to deal with all of this, from the beginning, all over again. I just couldn't deal with health problems for two children, maybe it's selfish of me to have another child knowing the risk, and not at all selfish of me for just having one child!

Spud is perfectly fine being a only child, if you ask him if he wants a baby brother or sister, he will shout NOOO at you, he didn't even like the idea of a pet either, worried in case it got more attention then him! You see, for four year's, it's only ever been me and Spud, just Spud and me, my team, my boy, my family. We're BOTH happy with the way things work, I can't imagine sharing my love, and he can't imagine sharing me!

So after a few 'signs', I was pleased to see a article from Jessica Valenti on The Guardian website with the title ''Stop asking mothers when we'll have more kids. It's OK to have an only child'' you can read Jessica's article here. I 100% completely agree with Jessica, you don't need to have multiple children to be a family, me and Spud prove that!

I constantly get asked when I'm giving Spud a brother or sister, it will happen one day, it just won't be in human form! It's my choice, my preference and Spud is happy with it that way!

Until next time,

Jada x