I'm Sorry, You Called Me What?

I've been called a particular word twice in one day by two different people and it's got me asking myself quite a few questions. Isn't it funny what our own behaviour allows us to do, the person it portrays us to be, and the negativity it can create around us? Isn't it crazy how we may never know about the way we behave until it's pointed out to us?

I've been single for four years now, and I've used that time to enjoy more time with Spud. I've also used that time to enjoy more time with myself, work, family and friends, in no particular order I should add. Getting in touch with someone who means an awful lot to me recently, and hearing him calling me a word that no one else has described me as, hurt me. I'm not one to let things such as name calling bother me, but this word in mention was and still is something I never would and still wouldn't class myself as. The word I am talking about is cold.

Dumbfounded at what I had been called, I laughed the sentence off with a short and simple lol (laugh out loud), thanks to the iPhones capability of informing another iPhone user that I had received and also read their text, I felt the need to quickly reply, not wanting to come across as rude. My very short, temporary and possibly blunt reply just caused more reason for the person in mention to back up his theory that I was cold.

Soon enough, a cyber argument started between the two of us, and we was back in the same situation that had stopped us from talking for so long before. Apparently it was time I heard some real home truths, and all was laid bare. The information that was disclosed to me that night, was surprisingly shocking. What this person was claiming me to be, was at the time absolutely unbelievable and something I just refused to not only listen to, but also believe. The conversation quickly come to an end before it even had time to start and I spent the best part of the following hour questioning and doubting myself.

During mine and this said persons cyber argument, he informed me that I acted like a male when it comes to feelings, instead of addressing the situation and getting some answers from his untrue statement, I was able to quickly turn the table around onto this person, and claim if that was the case, he must do the same because he is a male. So many heated words were thrown backwards and forwards, and knowing he wasn't going to give up, I left my text messages folder and ignored the two following text I received.

Still feeling shocked and confused, I decided to call my friend of too many years and have a rant. Calling her number and mimicking each dialling tone as it rang, I was pleased when eventually my friend answered my call, luckily before it went to voicemail too because I was in such a foul mood! Asking my friend if she was free for five minutes before I proceeded to spill the beans, or in this case have the biggest moan of 2014, I calmly went on to tell my friend the reason behind my rage.

Expecting my friend to stick up for me, and moan along with me, it come as an even bigger shock to me when my close friend agreed with this said person about me being cold. Not ever expecting my friend to come out with such, and valuing her opinions, I proceeded to ask my friend why she thought of me that way?

I was pleased to hear that my friend only thought of me as being cold in just relationships with the other sex, and not all the time in general. My friend agreed somewhat 90% of the things this said person had said of me, and explained in great detail her reasons behind this, her answers got me asking myself a whole heap of questions that needed answers.

The whole thing spirals down to my feelings, well that's what I believe anyway. I was with Spuds father for five years until the lies, betrayals and other women was enough. I forgave him too many times for cheating on me, not being loyal to me and for disrespecting me, this failed relationship left me with trust issues and a lot of relationship flaws. I soon learned how much better off I was without being a partner to Spud's father and how much better I felt within myself.

With good healing time, I soon started dating and fell in love once more. This person cherished the floor I walked on, and treated me not only like a princess but also like a queen. I should of been happy, I had everything I wanted in life, a beautiful son, a good loving relationship with my family, a active social life with friends, a decent job and a beautiful, intelligent and witty man who treated me so good. However, the trust issues filled deep within me, soon nagged away at me so much, I ruined our relationship. 

I loved my second partner a whole lot more than I ever loved Spud's father, and I truly do believe that I was not in love with Spud's father, not proper love anyway. When I fell in love with my second partner, it was perfect, like a fairy tale that every Disney fan dreams of, and it was my own issues that made us fall apart. Still to this day, a few years on, I have never had anyone come out of the wood work and say that my second partner cheated on me, I ruined it all, for stupid silly thoughts in my head.

That relationship break up left me feeling broken, more broken then when I spilt up with Spud's father. In fact, my second break up made me feel like the tiny piece of my heart that I had set aside from the love for Spud, had smashed into smithereens. I think from that day onwards, something changed within me, it's only now, four years on that I've actually realised it, with the help from two other people.

It's not that I intentionally shut down that side of me, but somehow, a invisible wall was built around it, and I think I made a pact with myself that it would never be broken. The truth is, I now know and can address these issues, I am sorry I had to hear it from others, but I am glad I now know the perception that is perceived of me.

I'm a young single female who has not been celebrate for the four years I've been single for, I've joined dating sites and spoke to guys I already knew. I've met strangers on the off chance, who have become a little bit more known to me, and I've met back up with old interest. I've gone on great dates, some pointless ones too, and I've enjoyed another adults company. I've smiled, laughed and enjoyed myself, I've remembered how much fun another adult, of the opposite sex can be.

I started seeing others, nothing serious at all, and I carried on going on dates, even the dreadful ones at the restaurants and places I disliked. The truth is though, once things start moving to that serious place, without thinking about it, like a automatic switch within me, I can become the stranger I once was. I've not taught or trained myself to be this way, and up until this week, I didn't even know it was an issue, until I was told by two different people of how cold I am.

The thing is, I like speaking to someone, I enjoy their chats and eventually their company, I do sometimes imagine me being in a relationship again and then I just think of the past. I really do know that I shouldn't, and that the past is exactly that (the past) for a reason. Just as quickly as I can be the person I am, I can very quickly change into someone I am not.

I slow down with the messages and calls, and space them out few and far between. I eventually use every excuse found on the internet to a reason as to why I can't meet up and then as quickly as that first hello, that goodbye comes around.

I can use and find so many excuses to why I am not ready for a relationship but then I can also do the same to tell myself why I am ready for a relationship. I know it's not fair, and I should be open from the get go, that first hello, but the thing is, how do we know from the start? How do we know from the very beginning, what we would like?

It's not about being honest and open, I really don't think telling someone your prone to go cold without warning in a few months is really going to get you anywhere, and I honestly don't think it's other people's business anyway. I believe we need time, and maybe a lot of time too, maybe a couple of months isn't going to cut it, but just a little 

while longer will? What's with all the rushing nowadays, why can't we just take things slow and have a little bit of fun?

If serious things should arise, next time I will try not to run and hide. To the said person who called me cold that day this week, I'd like to say thank you. I can't promise a change, as I don't think it's something I can change myself, but I certainly hope that I can address and amend the next situation better. To the female friend who spoke in great detail about my 'coldness', thank you for listening to me, and enlightening me on my said behaviour.

I don't have a relationship heart made out of stone, neither is it surrounded by a shabby brick wall. I honestly think it's just a natural reaction and a sign that maybe things aren't meant to be. However I will leave this post, acknowledging the newly found information I have stored within me, and hopefully, if I do have that characteristic, I can start to understand it myself. I am a female with so many of the natural emotions females have, I just think I am better at some then hiding my feelings and thoughts.

Who doesn't like to wake up to a good morning text, and fall asleep to a sweet dreams message? I know I do! Who doesn't like a odd date night here and there, or a movie night at home? I know I do! Who doesn't like them overly long and strong cuddles with a member of the opposite sex!? I know I do. Who doesn't like talking to that person on a regular or daily basis? I know I do! Who said you need a relationship as partners to have these things? I know I don't! 

Until next time,

Jada x