My little strong lion was born seven weeks premature, seven weeks too early and he's had his fair share of problems. Today Spud had another hospital appointment at a department he goes to every six weeks and we received some half expected news... Spud need's another operation, another route down the surgery path.
I know its for the better, I really do but watching my beautiful innocent perfect small child burst into tears with fright and worry was heartbreaking. I have never felt so useless as a Mother, I vowed from the day I found out I was pregnant I would protect him forever. Seeing and hearing him sob and cry was so hurtful, all I could do was pull him onto my lap for a cuddle and soothe him with the words it will be okay baby, you'll be okay.
Why can't I take it for him? Why can't I have his problems, the never ending appointments, the struggle, the uncomfortable pains and the operations!?
My beautiful brave boy had his first operation at just three weeks old, because he was so tiny, only weighing 4lb at birth, our local hospital refused to operate on him because even at three weeks old, he weighed less than 5lbs. In the back of an ambulance with a very upset and confused Mummy, you was strapped to Daddy's chest on the ambulance bed. A doctor and nurse from our local hospital was aboard with us too, along with a paramedic in the back and one to drive us down the motorway blue's and two's style to John Radcliffe.
Just 75 minutes ago, we was at home, why 75 minutes later we was rushing down the motorway for you to have an emergency operation was all too confusing, the drive seemed a blur and much of it I can't remember. Nanny followed behind in her car, but couldn't do the speed or red lights the ambulance could, no one would pull over for her because of course, no other passing motorist knew she was following the ambulance. Arriving at a unfamiliar place, a hospital I had heart such great things of but a hospital I had not ever been to myself, I found strength and courage within me to just be strong for you.
The smallest gown the hospital held was miles too big for you, you was so tiny, so beautiful, so perfect but in such horrid pain. I wished I could have that pain for you, wish I could have that operation in your place, but you my little brave lion, you got through it all. Grandad was aboard in Greece when he found out what was going on, he listened to me cry my heart out whilst Nanny stayed at my side the best she could. Giving you a kiss and a cuddle at the theatre doors just set me off again, I was in a different town, in a different hospital all by myself, without you next to me, the most important person in my life, my best achievement and my beautiful bundle of joy.
The operation was successful and with regular check ups we was soon allowed home a few days later. I already watched you like a hawk, but from that moment onwards, I hated taking my eyes off you. It was when our true bond started and one that will never break. Grandad arrived home from his holiday with a big massive British bulldog, saying you was his little bulldog, his little fighter. It was like a giant compared to you, still only weighing a few pounds, below the average birth weight at four weeks old.
The scars remain, but you soon healed, the pain killers pumping through your body was soon not needed and my beautiful happy boy returned. Since then you've had troubles with your belly and miss so much off time off school because of it, we find out next year if you need another operation to resolve the issue, a minor operation but still a operation I wish I could have in your place.
Today watching your face crumble and hearing the sobs from your mouth was so heartbreaking. You need another operation, your fourth one, again I wish I can have it for you beautiful, I really do. The operation is just a day one, so its classed as a minor op, but again something I wish you didn't have to go through. You know the procedure, you know about the magic cream and the needle, your so upset, and I wish I could make it all better for you.
In the long run baby, this is the best option, Mummy would never do anything without having your best interest in mind.
I have already have the biggest of surprises lined up, as soon as we have that operation date Mummy can start planning. It is going to be the biggest and best surprise you've ever had (so far - for I don't know what the future holds and what other surprise's you'll have) and I can't wait to see the biggest smile on your face, the happiness in your heart and the warmth from your hug.
Xx
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